It's February the 14th, or...the day after I found out that my abdominal ultrasound was clear! Okay, yes, it is also Valentine's day. This day every year of my marriage to Paul has been one of dinners out, or flowers or cards and candy. This year, it's all about the fact that I figure I have a pretty good chance of being here for next Valentine's day. Funny how your perspective changes. Just put a bit of fear into you and wham! Nothing is the same again.
The first time I went through this journey (in 2004), I just figured it was a bump in my road. I would get through the surgeries, the chemotherapy and the radiation and then just get on with my life. It was that way, but I also came out of that experience not as in tune with my body as I should have been. In my opinion, anyway. Maybe I should have totally given up the wine. Maybe I should have been an extremely picky with what I ate. But, I didn't. I am trying to forgive myself for not being perfect. But, who is, right? No one IS perfect. Trying to be perfect in every way possible is IM-possible. You almost feel like you must have done something somewhere along the line that put a big X on you. "Yup, there she is! The one who crossed the street because she didn't want to bump into that person she no longer wants to talk to...tag her! Her turn for cancer is coming up here!" Yes, these are the things you think about. As silly and weird as that may sound.
I am now trying to 'let go' and not control everything in my life. Not that I was a huge control freak...maybe just a little bit. One wonderful thing I have discovered is meditation. Lying on the floor, listening to a guided meditation is so very relaxing and puts you 'in the moment'. No worrying about next weeks CT scan, no trying to figure out what to make for dinner tonight, just being in the moment and being silent. Breathing deep and breathing normally. Just letting it all go. Such a revelation to me!
I am also reading wonderful books. So many that I have discovered that are truly helping me deal with the fear and uncertainty that has been my life lately. I especially love the books by Caroline Myss who is "a five-time New York Times bestselling author and internationally renowned speaker in the fields of human consciousness, spirituality and mysticism, health, energy medicine, and the science of medical intuition". Now, this isn't going to be for everybody, and that's fine. It is something I am very much drawn to, and I make no apologies at all for that. (Funny how a little bit or a big bit of a cancer scare can help you to not care what people think!). I love her books so much that I race through them. This is highly unusual for me, as I normally read a book at a snail's pace! So, my mornings are spent meditating and reading and devouring information on cancer, healing, and cookbooks! lol Did I mention I am seriously considering vegetarianism?? It's funny because there are certain things I love so much, but they are not on a vegetarian diet. Seafood, turkey and lamb being just three of them. Well, I might be able to give them up...we will see. Doing all of these things have everything to do with feeling like at least I am doing something to help myself. Whether they are or not is really not the issue. If I feel like they are helping, that is all that matters.
I saw a You tube video one day of a gal who was talking about how she cured her cancer. I really didn't listen to the whole thing, but one thing she did say is "I don't care what anyone says to me about this, it worked for me". I am taking that attitude now as well. If it works for you...all the more power to you.
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